Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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