I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
