I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
