At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
