I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
