Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
