Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
