I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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