i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
