U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
