you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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