I'm sorry my penis didn't work
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
