I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
