im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
