i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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