He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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