This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I will pee on everything he values.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
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