just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
