there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
