So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
