Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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