I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
