so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
