I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
