I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
