She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
