You just made me feel so damn special
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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