then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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