I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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