This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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