You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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