My hair reeks of homosexuality.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
