I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
