Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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