new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
