I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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