Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
