He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
