you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
