Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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