the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize