i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
