I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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