I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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