I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
