did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
