My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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