Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
