My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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