Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
