hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize