Swine flu. Run for my life!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
