It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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