One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
