Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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