i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
