Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize