If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
