I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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