God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
