I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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