i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You left your phone here
Wait...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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