Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
