New low: just hacked my moms facebook
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
